Apr 14, 2020 | Holidays, Quarantine Diaries |
Like everyone else across the world, we celebrated Easter from our couch. Quite honestly, I was not in a celebratory mood. I told Christopher on Saturday that I wanted to cancel Easter all together but that wouldn’t have been fair to AB. I knew Easter was coming but I thought it was later in the month so I hadn’t bought anything to put in Easter eggs. On Saturday a friend dropped off a plant for me, a bag of chocolates and a few little activities for Annabelle. One of the activities was a Harry Potter book with little Lego character. Before I gave her the book I took the Lego off and hid it in my purse. We put one lego piece in each of the first eggs and a chocolate egg in the others. Jesus may have saved the world but AB’s 6-year-old friend saved her easter egg gifts. I was prepared for her easter basket. I picked up some outdoor play dishes from Target that say let’s play in my mud kitchen and two magic glow in the dark pens.
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This flower cross was outside our church. Please refer back to when
I said I forgot about Easter so we did not contribute any flowers. |
I asked that everyone dress up as if we were going to church. Just because we weren’t going anywhere didn’t mean we should dress like hobos. Plus there’s only a limited number of years left where Annabelle will willingly wear smocked dresses so I need to milk it for all it’s worth. There was a small part of me that was sad the old ladies at church couldn’t see how cute she looked but we’ve all had to give up something and I can give up compliments for a few weeks longer.
Christopher hid the eggs as usual and as usual Sesame Pie missed the most obvious ones.
We did a video chat with several of my relatives across six states and three time zones. It was a feat of modern technology that we were all together. We had 14 different screens to keep track of and the connections were going in and out so it was a lot of talking over each other, but that made it seem like holidays back home.
Last, but certainly not least, Annabelle and I revealed the latest trick we pulled on Christopher. We’re always trying to trick him and it usually looks like Annabelle giving him room temperature coke or hiding his socks. I appreciate her enthusiasm but we needed to up the game a bit. A few weeks ago we saw a car with huge eyelashes attached to the headlights. We giggled about how funny it would be to put eyelashes on Christopher’s car and thus was born our next trick. I didn’t buy the 3d lashes because they were over $30 and we have a small trick budget. I got eyelash decals instead which did not pack the same punch but I didn’t want to waste the $8.97 I paid. I put them on last Sunday and all week AB and I had conversations about whether or not he saw them. To be fair they are very small and subtle, but I guarantee you I’d have noticed them on my car within the first 36 hours. Part of me wanted to see how many weeks we could make it but we decided to tell him on after Easter dinner.
We each stood on one side of the light and made comments like “How’s your car?” “Do you need a car wash?” He noticed right away and we could not stop laughing. “We got him, Mama! We got him!” He said. “I’ve been going to Home Depot and feeling manly all week and this whole time I had eyelashes on my car?!”
I don’t want to repeat a quarantined Easter but pranking Christopher seems like a good tradition to keep alive.
Apr 7, 2020 | Quarantine Diaries |
I think we can all agree that we’re living in less than ideal times. It’s only a matter of weeks before I write a list of coronavirus grievances, but today I’m looking on the bright side of our current life.
+ Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show: At Home Edition. These episodes never fail to make me smile. His wife seems sweet and his girls are so fun to watch. His house is a cross between a treehouse and an old persons house which is not at all what I pictured. JF, if you’re reading this I have some questions about your decor. Have your people send my people an email.
+ The memes have been spectacular.
+ John Krasinski’s Some Good News show. This is PERFECT when everything seems like it’s falling apart and you need a little pick me up. Everything he shows are positives coming from the virus and I love it. Years ago I tried to start a newspaper with the same theme called The Sunshine Times. It never took off because no one besides my mother subscribed. I’m sure the fact that the printer never worked was not a factor.
+ The royal family released a video of George, Charlotte and Louis clapping for health care workers. I watched it several times and showed Christopher. I should know better than to discuss the royals with him but I try anyway. Hope springs eternal. He glanced at it and said, “It’s just a video of kids clapping, right? Am I missing something?” This is who I have to be quarantined with! He has no appreciation for the finer things in life.
+ The Getty Art Museum put out a challenge to recreate famous paintings using items from around the house. We’re going to pick some paintings to do this week.
+ We’ve been able to take so many walks. We’re getting stir crazy so as COO of this house I instated morning walks before school as well as our evening walk with Christopher. We’re in the itty bitty sweet spot that is lovely weather before the gnats and stupid heat hit. Last year I said many a prayer asking God to take care of the gnat problem and there were less gnats. Had I known about the dumpster fire this year would be I would have started the 2020 gnat prayers on January 1st.
+ I love seeing how people are banding together to help each other and pass the time. Several neighborhoods have put bears in their windows/yards for kids to find on a ”bear hunt.” We put two in our windows and this week we’re going to put easter egg pictures up.
+ Engineers in Italy figured out how to make ventilators using 3D printers and snorkel masks. God bless the Italians.
+ If nothing else, I can now spell quarantine without spellcheck.
+ Finally, I spent half the night and most of the morning writing a song that I believe will be topping the charts in no time. It is an ode to our current life.
There is a Virus
There is a virus thats attacked the world
And covid is its name
C-O-V-I-D
C-O-V-I-D
C-O-V-I-D
and covid is its name.
The doctors office needs supplies
And everyone wants masks
M-A-S-K-S
M-A-S-K-S
M-A-S-K-S
And everyone wants masks.
The stores are out of soap and TP
Because the people are going crazy
C-R-A-Z-Y
C-R-A-Z-Y
C-R-A-Z-Y
All the people are going crazy
We can’t see family, friends or neighbors
So we are all alone
A-L-O-N-E
A-L-O-N-E
A-L-O-N-E
So we are all alone
We stay at home and play with chalk
Lots and lots of chalk
C-H-A-L-K
C-H-A-L-K
C-H-A-L-K
Lots and lots of chalk
We go for walks in the morning and at noon
And then again at night
W-A-L-K-S
W-A-L-K-S
W-A-L-K-S
And then again at night
No one knows how long it will last
It could be months or years
Y-E-A-R-S
Y-E-A-R-S
Y-E-A-R-S
It could be months or years
So grab a beverage and a snack
Cause we’ll be here a while
S-N-A-C-K
S-N-A-C-K
S-N-A-C-K
Cause we’ll be here a while
© 2020 Quarantine Records
He who shall not be named but whose name rhymes with Shmistopher said it “has a lot of syllables.” Being a hit composer is hard. There’s so much negativity.
Mar 28, 2020 | Quarantine Diaries |
Well, hello.
What’s up? Anything new? Is all calm and peaceful in your neck of the woods?
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| Wouldn’t mind being quarantined here. |
We spent last week recovering from a very intense sickness we picked up while on a cruise. St. Thomas souvenir germs if you will. The beginning of the sickness coincided with when coronavirus started to snowball downhill which was not comforting. It felt like bronchitis plus strep throat plus a sinus infection. I have not felt so sick in years. It was MISERABLE. I told Christopher he could not get what I had because I wouldn’t be able to handle that level of manflu. We would need to quarantine for the sake of our marriage. I went to the doctor and tested negative for the flu, strep and was told I didn’t have bronchitis. That left coronavirus which was also negative. Apparently, I had another much less hip and trendy virus that my cocktail of Benadryl, Claritin, cough drops, Advil and inhalers barely touched. I have documentation to prove I don’t have the virus which I almost pulled out yesterday when I was at Sprint and coughed into my elbow. It was a normal tickle, not the cough of someone on the brink of death, but the Sprint lady looked horrified and as if she wanted to douse me in Lysol.
The first week of staying home was a much-needed rest. We had just come home from the trip and were sick so we didn’t want to leave the house anyway. Today I looked at the calendar to see how many weeks we’ve been home after the week we were sick and I truly thought we were coming to the end of our second or possibly third week. It’s only been one. I’m a homebody so staying home and having free days hasn’t been too hard for me so far. I miss going to church, the playground, the library and having playdates but other than that our daily life hasn’t changed too much. It is harder in some ways because we don’t have any of our normal activities to take up time and sometimes I struggle with keeping us occupied and getting to the end of the day with happy hearts, but we could be struggling so much worse. We could be Anne Frank stuck in an attic for 25 MONTHS with no access to a real bathroom. We can deal with being stir crazy and/or bored. I do feel bad that AB is missing swimming, ballet and the homeschool group (and therefore I’m missing a couple hours of alone time) but she’s been content to play at home. She’s been extra clingy but she’s bouncing around like normal and thrilled that she has an even more captive than normal audience to talk to. The part that’s hardest for me so far is not knowing how long this will go on. Whether it would be easier or harder if I knew this would go on until July 1st I don’t know, but I would feel better if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so grateful it’s been nice weather because neighborhood walks are the saving grace at the end of the day.
Annabelle turns 6 tomorrow which is very rude. I’ve told her over and over again to stop growing! Enough of this nonsense! Actually, I’ve had to cut down on telling her that because she’s gotten VERY upset about having a birthday. She’s cried about it multiple times so I’ve had to talk up how great it will be to be 6. It will be so fun! She’ll still be able to live at home with me and Daddy! Life won’t change very much! The hardest part might be that she’ll need to use both hands to show her age. I think her hesitation about turning 6 is part of why she’s been more clingy. I appreciate that she loves me but sitting outside the bathroom door is not necessary at this point in either of our lives. She wanted to spend the night in a hotel instead of having a birthday party but obviously that can’t happen now. She also wanted a playdate with her friends but that will have to happen in a few weeks/months/years. I’m going to turn the living room into Hotel de Annabelle complete with chocolate on the pillowcases. I will be the front desk worker, maid and chef who provides the morning buffet. So basically it’s business as usual for me.
Time to go cry into my pillow over the child who is practically a grown up blow up balloons for the birthday girl.
Mar 21, 2020 | Quarantine Diaries |
Guest post by Sister of the Blog Elizabeth
Well, I’ve given up people for Lent.
I wish I’d
known sooner that this was a viable option . If I’d known that “self-quarantined” was
an available excuse, I would have started using it years ago.
Obviously, if there was ever a time to write a
self-quarantine haiku, that time is upon us. If I knew how to write a haiku, I
would. I actually have no idea, so I’ll stick with just being a proud
self-quarantiner. I plan to celebrate coming out of the closet by going back in
it. I’ll continue my regular routine by staying in my pajamas in my house with
all my imaginary friends who recite poetry to me and laugh at all my jokes.
Now, COVID-19 has given me something of a solitude
wind-fall, but that doesn’t keep the restless stir crazy wiggles away completely. I’ve compiled a
short list of things to do when this happens.
Tell
yourself jokes and silly thoughts.
This technique comes in very handy
if you find yourself wearing a droopy face because of all the stress you feel.
Tell yourself a silly thing and you’ll turn that frown upside down.
· One
of my Chinese-speaking students at school meant to say that people from Britain
are British. Instead, she said, “People who live in Britain are Britilicious.”
· Our
niece Ariela reminded Grammy to go out and buy “sand hanitizer.”
· The
other day, I overheard two people debating whether dogs or cats are superior.
The cat advocate said, “Just think, without cats, Crazy Cat Ladies would just
be straight up Crazy Ladies.”
· What
do dyslexic zombies exclusively eat? Brians.
Read Castle Corona by Sharon
Creech.
Although she wrote it in 2007 to tell a story about
knights and peasants and poisons, I don’t think we could find a better time to
read it. Watch Tangled again. Rapunzel lives in the Kingdom of Corona. Why not
feed our brains alternative corona associations that don’t include death or
social unrest?
Talk to strangers.
If
it’s not already glaringly apparent, this point should prove that my sister and
I have vastly different approaches to life. For her, stranger is a person who could
potentially pop your car tires or ring
your door bell and run away or take
away your cookies on your birthday. You NEVER KNOW WHICH kind of person they
will be so you must be VERY careful.
On the other hand, as I told Sarah the
other day, “To me, a stranger is just a friend I haven’t made yet.” Whichever
philosophy you believe, there is something to be said for exchanging a few
extra words with the increasing amount of people you see roaming around your neighborhood.
Consider it networking for when you need to barter with them for toilet paper
later.
Don’t worry about the toilet paper.
If worse comes to worse, you can go to CVS or Walgreens, buy a tiny tube of
Maybelline mascara, and walk away with a receipt the length of a roll of
Charmin. You’ll know what to do next. Thank me later.
Consider
a few conspiracy theories.
It’s good for the soul. Could Big
Charmin be behind the pandemic? What two
bears would wipe their bottoms on nationally syndicated television without an
ulterior motive.
Write
your own news.
Mahatma Gandhi said, “You must be the
change you wish to see in the world.” I take this to mean that I should create the kind of news stories I would prefer to hear and then read them with the full trust of my college-educated brain. Surely, that will at least change my own droopy face. Inspired by some new policies that discourage
any gatherings over ten people, I have conducted some on the ground journalism and produced the following reports.
Tensions
Rise As First, Third, and Fifth Mormon Wives Choose Which Child To Evict In Wake of
Over Ten People Policy Enactment
“Jeremiah never did scrub the trailer
floor well enough anyway,” said Sylvia Shroder, Elijah Shroder’s 5th wife.
“We are praying for guidance from our
Lord,” shared Elijah Shroder later. “Stress is running high here in
the caves of Ridge City, Utah. We don’t want to send away any of our
43 children.”
Sources say that the Shroder family is
floating ideas of sewing together all of the girls’ full-body bathing suits to
create an independent island.
“We don’t know how we’ll grow our beets
in the dresses, ” admits Sylvia. “But at least we will be
together.”
Together, that is, except for Jeremiah.
He now shines the tubas for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Most recently, the family is turning their
considerable mental focus on how to keep the island clean. With such a large
population living on full-body bathing suits, cleanliness issues could cause a
new pandemic.
Jedidiah Ephraim, the 7th son of 3rd wife Jody
Prudence and one of Elijah’s 17 sons, is good with his hands.
“While driving our truck to the river to
remove our overalls from the catfish hole,” Jedediah told reporters,
“I figured how to clean the island with the machine I’ve invented.”
The machine will attach the handle of a vacuum
cleaner to the body of a Whirlpool dishwasher. The dirt and dust which
accumulate on the island will be sucked up into the dishwasher and exit,
cleaned soil, from a hole in the back. “Nine of the youngins will pull it
like a plow across our island. Cleanliness is next to Joseph Smith, after
all.”
When asked for the name of the island,
unidentified neighbors agreed on Mormonhatten. No word yet on where these
desert dwellers will find water to place the island.
The
Utah Today– March 18th, 2020
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Home School Family Ditches Van, Faces Jail
Time After Impersonating Funeral Procession
Doug and Wendy
Lister are facing extended jail time today. Their clandestine transportation
scheme was discovered late Thursday by local officials in Orange County,
Illinois.
The Listers, whose
13 children normally ride in a 15 passenger van, have run into issues as
their family exceeds the newly rolled out policies limiting gatherings to ten
or fewer people.
The family noticed
that they regularly broke the law just by riding to their local library to
borrow books about making homemade toilet paper.
“We have
noticed that our large family intimidates the wait staff at our local Red
Lobster, but we never thought our full quiver would force us toward a life of
crime,” mourned Wendy to a reporter.
To what life of
crime is Wendy referring? Local officials began receiving calls from Orange
County residents who reported seeing a line of black cars, lights flashing,
riding back and forth from the local 4H each Monday and Wednesday.
“We didn’t
think that many people were dying,” recalls Randy Graves, owner of the local Exxon station. “Our town only holds about 345 people.”
Unfolding reports
confirm that the Lister family bought the four hearses previously owned by the Orange Counter Funeral Home, whose proprietor believed the vehicles would be used for charity. “Doug assured me that the hearses would be used to carry baby blankets to the pediatric ward of our hospital. Every blanket was
knitted by one of Doug’s ten daughters so I thought I could do something good
for the community.”
Unfortunately, the
Lister family turned on the flashing lights of the black funeral vehicles and raised the funeral flags too many times. Locals caught on.
Police continue to
question Doug and Wendy. As all of their children are above the age of 18,
jail time will likely result for them as well. No word yet on how the Orange
County jail deal with the influx of inmates. The number will be greater than ten.
The Orange Country
Inquirer– March 22nd, 2020
Finally, if you have a sister, call her as many times as you possibly
can. Ask her for
updates about her bronchitis. She may not even notice that you’re just calling because you miss her She may not even know that you would rather live on an island made of dresses than socially distance from her.
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