Tap tap. Is this thing on?

Testing testing 1 2 3 testing.

I am finally emerging from the dark shadows of the dumpster fire that has been our life for the last five weeks.
I don’t have the energy to detail it all out (and I’d rather forget most of it), but a short version is as follows. Within a two week period I had an extremely painful burst ovarian cyst, found out at the doctors office that I was pregnant, was told 12 hours later that it was another ectopic pregnancy, and then the ectopic pregnancy ruptured (HORRIFIC PAIN) which caused me to pass out five times at home. I took an ambulance to the hospital where I stayed for three days under care of the worst doctors (but the best nurses), was forced to wait for a surgery that should have happened immediately, finally had the surgery and spent several weeks at home trying to recover. Meanwhile, two people close to us died and we lost a fourth baby. Talk about DUMPSTER FIRE. It got to the point that I’d panic when the phone rang because I didn’t know what bad news we’d hear next.

Two things before I move onto events that didn’t make me cry. Whenever I’m trying to decided whether I need to shave my legs or if I can go another day, I do the Ambulance Test. If I had an emergency that required an ambulance trip, would I be embarrassed if an EMT who looked like he was in a Hallmark Christmas movie saw my unshaved legs? If the answer is yes, I whip out the ol’ Suave shaving cream and get to work. This test doesn’t apply to how my legs look before I go on a plane trip. If I survived a plane crash, I’d have bigger fish to fry than the state of my legs. I’ve been doing this test for years. When I came to after one of the times I fainted, I heard Christopher calling 911. I had two thoughts as my brain cleared. First, I could hear the 911 operator asking how old I was and Christopher saying I’m 33. I am only 32 and don’t age me, especially when I’m laying on the kitchen floor near the trash can. Second, I immediately congratulated myself for having shaved my legs the night before. I would have been so annoyed if the ONE time I go in an ambulance I didn’t pass the Ambulance Test. Speaking of annoyed, I realized the first morning I was in the hospital that I only had one earring on. I thought maybe I lost it somewhere in the shuffle of switching rooms, but Christopher informed me that I only had one earring on since I arrived. Talk about adding insult to literal injury. I wore a hospital gown for days but it was the missing giant pearl earring that made me feel extra naked.

Second, generally when a woman has an ectopic pregnancy they have to get a shot at the hospital to help the body work things out and bring down the hormone levels. Last year when I went for the shot I asked for a heating pad for my hurting stomach. There was not a heating pad to be had in the hospital. This time I was prepared and brought my own heating pad to the ER. It’s a BYOHP (bring your own heating pad) situation. The first night at the hospital I asked for another bag of fluids because I could tell I was still very dehydrated. The nurse went to ask the doctor but came back with the news that I couldn’t have one “because there’s an IV shortage.” I was an admitted patient with internal bleeding asking for fluids, not a drunk bum who wandered in. May God keep me from ever being treated there again but if there is a next time, I’ll know it’s a BYOPH and BYOIV hospital. Think how prepared I’ll be! I’ll have smooth legs, two earrings, a heating pad and an IV. Maybe I should get my own oxygen tanks just in case.

Most of the time since I went into the hospital on October 10th has been spent in recovery. It was very painful and difficult for me to move for the first few weeks then I hobbled around the weeks after that. I still have some pain and am constantly exhausted, but I’m getting back to normal. I went to Walmart yesterday and had to rush to pick up Annabelle in time. My body did not appreciate the fast movement and protested loudly. I haven’t been able to go on long walks or to zumba, but I did short walk around the park before my stomach started hurting again so I am improving.

Holidays come and go with little respect for someone who might be on strong painkillers and unable to walk to the bathroom by themselves. We had said we’d decorate our trunk for trunk or treat at church but almost canceled last minute. Mom and Elizabeth were here to help and Elizabeth said never fear, I am here with my trunk decorating skilz! She helped turn the back of my car into a fish tank. Mom wore a green dress with green hair accessories and became a plant. I wore regular clothes with a stretchy waistband to protect my stitches and said I was the owner of the fish tank. I couldn’t stay the whole time, but it was important to me that I got to go for a little while. I had barely done anything with AB for weeks and felt like I had abandoned her. Despite my best efforts to change her mind, she went as a Harry Potter character again. I long for the days when she was a bumblebee or a butterfly with crooked wings and a colorful tutu.

For going around the neighborhood with friends she dressed up as a detective. I made her recreate the costume today so I could get a picture. We were so scatterbrained the day of we didn’t get a picture. She just now told me that for the “real day” she wore pants, not a skirt, “so this isn’t as accurate.” That would have been helpful to know before I took the pictures.

It’s finally dipped below 70* so we had the first fire of the season.

We went to the pumpkin patch where I saw babies in fall outfits and mourned that AB doesn’t want to dress like that anymore. That about sums it up for life over here. PLEASE LORD, let the rest of the year be smooth sailing.