Wife, mother, laugh-er at very inopportune moments, and matchmaker. I am an excessive user of commas and exclamation marks. I once won March Madness despite knowing nothing about basketball, and I know how to find all the best Dunkin Donuts coupons. Clearly my talents are just endless.

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TLDs

I have a phrase I like to use when things go wrong- TLDs. Technical Life Difficulties. It’s used when the store is out of whole milk, you forget to pick up a prescription, or you miss an important phone call. I present a list of TLDs from the last two weeks.

– The washing machine is not washing properly.
– The dryer is not drying properly. I know how to fix it but I haven’t done it yet. It’s a production to pull it out from the wall and detach various vents and hoses.
– The kitchen sink leaked again. I fixed that as I am the family plumber. I have spare parts on standby for such a time as this.
– The ice maker in the freezer is not working. The last time this happened, I had the repair man explain how to fix it. I did everything he said but couldn’t get the icebox part out to fix it. The repair man came back to assess the situation. He looked at it for a solid 30 seconds before announcing that it was a frozen solid block of ice that would require significant repairs. He showed me all the recalls on our particular model and said he could charge me upwards of $300 to repair it, but instead suggested I call Samsung directly to complain. Samsung required we send them a video proving that our ice machine is truly not giving ice. Are people out there saying they can’t get ice when they really can? If I was going to try pulling a fast one on a company, it wouldn’t be over literal frozen water. TBD if they come through and fix it for free.
– No sooner had I finished with that repairman, than I had to let in the other repairman to fix the hot water heater. When I showed him the hot water heater, he asked where the other one was. I didn’t know some houses have two. I said we only have one and he asked if I was sure. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure. Was it possible there was a giant white cylinder sitting in some corner that I was not aware of? He eventually decided we were a one-heater household.
– You’d think that would be the end of my interactions with repairmen, but no! It keeps going! The ac went out as well. A man came one month ago to check the units and told me that the compressor was running on such and such units and it should be running on such and such units. Or maybe he said it wasn’t using units. Perhaps it was overreacting from too much ampage in the cooling fluid. Most of what he said went over my head even though I asked him to repeat it. Bottom line, he said it would need to be replaced within the next several months. The “next several months” happened this week. A different man from the same company came and asked how old our unit is. Why do companies think I know these details? I don’t know how old the unit is! I don’t understand how the thing works! Just fix it, please!
– The handle keeps falling off the back screen door.
– The cats pushed the screen out of the window and wandered about the neighborhood for several hours. Lucy had the decency to return home and was sitting on the porch waiting to be brought it. Linus was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t notice they were gone until 10pm, so I was wandering the backyard in my pajamas while wearing rain boots. I dragged AB out of bed for strength in numbers. We shook the treat bag and called his name to no avail. I was devasted for Annabelle. She ADORES him. Linus is a cat of comfort who is scared of his own tail. He is a cat who whines for cheese and he is given cheese. He is not prepared for life in wild suburbia. While we were searching I saw Clare Cat, Linus’ girlfriend, on the other side of the porch. The dude ran off to be with a girl. After several hours of worrying about his gruesome death or the new life he was creating with Clare Cat, I looked outside one more time and there he was on the deck. He hissed when I picked him up then had the adacity to waltz himself over to the refrigerator, like he had done nothing wrong, and meow for cheese.
– Christopher was gone all week on a business trip. His luggage never made it on the plane at the first airport. It slowly followed him to various airports across the country but never caught up with him. It showed up on our doorstep this afternoon, the same day he is due to arrive home.
– Finally, the rotisserie chicken I bought for an easy supper was so hot, that it melted the grocery bag and left a stain on my newly cleaned car rug.

I think it wise I not leave the couch. I risk it crumbling under me if I move in the wrong direction.

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.ten.

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