Jun 24, 2013 | Friends & Fun, Uncategorized |
Elizabeth and I are complete opposites in most ways.
She will sing at the top of her lungs in a public restroom while I use the mirror to reapply lip gloss and pretend I have no idea who she is.
She enjoys sharing her soul in Sunday school while I do my best to get through the whole class without everyone looking at me. (Rabbit trail: I dislike any situation where it is expected that I will share my innermost thoughts and feelings on theology with a group of people. Naturally that is the recipe for a successful Sunday school class so you can imagine the anxiety this situation brings.)
But we do agree on one thing: there is nothing natural about this pose.
Jun 21, 2013 | Friends & Fun, Uncategorized |
It was a day like any other.
Except it wasn’t.
Because it was the day we drove ten hours to stand in adoration before
BooMama herself for ten minutes. And, upon arriving home in practically the middle of the night, we proclaimed to the lightening bugs that yes, even bacon couldn’t rival the success of our trip.
I and and my favorite sister Sarah awoke on that fateful Monday morning to the blaring roar of motorcycles racing through the streets of Clarksville, a sure sign that the day’s temperature would produce fried eggs on the pavement, sunny side all round.
Sure enough, as Sarah hauled a hefty supply of lunchtime essentials(including three kinds of crackers: “They’re just SO GOOD, Squidz.”) out to our chariot, a furnace worthy of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo billowed through the opened door and collided with the heat outside. While this Bible-like temperature transformed Sarah’s carefully groomed hair into a jungle housing tan sunglasses, it merely warmed us up for the steamy excitement yet to come.
“Aren’t you even CURIOUS, Squidzen?” She asked, enthusiastically drumming the steering wheel with her palm after we had driven for a few mystery miles with no sign of suspicion from the passenger’s seat. Poor child. She does not understand that the sister of her childhood hopes operates under the unwavering conviction that any road trip involving the writer of this blog behind the wheel cannot possibly travel in any other direction than due spectacular. And really, who could experience any kind of anxiety with that sort of destination on the itinerary?
So, armed with a trusty Yahoo Maps print-out boasting 19 steps and the key to our longevity, we cruised along winding Southern roads, speeding towards our destination.
After a few miles, it became apparent that, in case of an emergency break-down, any dairy allergies would have to be left on the rumble strip because the only AAA representation for miles around stood lazily chewing their cuds in the corn fields beside the road. We envisioned a million meals comprised of nothing but cornflakes and milk for days and days. The speedometer shot terrifyingly towards roof of the car as Sarah benevolently taught a spelling lesson.”This is how you spell Relief, Squidz: P-O-T-T-Y,” and proceeded to explain that Relief must place very low upon the priority list because we were on a greater mission and absolutely couldn’t be late and….please pass the crackers-not those, the ones in the silver bag.
It was not until Josh Groban had performed his entire CD twice, the air conditioning had switched on and off so many times the Antarctic turned pale, and every station on the radio, including the static had undergone careful scrutiny, that Sarah began to show signs of inner turmoil.
“Squidz. What if we’re LATE? What if BooMama leaves early and we’re not there? Squidz. Don’t let me forget to fix my make-up. WHAT IF WE DROVE ALL THIS WAY WE’RE LATE??!?!?!”
I assured her that BooMama could not possibly close up shop before the time etched in stone on her blog, and how could she because she was expecting us. But Sarah’s hands began to wave more flamboyantly than usual. The steering wheel seemed lonely.
In an effort to cage the swooping butterflies of looming time constraints and to distract from the martyrdom of forgoing Relief in the interest of a greater goal, we commenced a dancing sing-along. I waved my hands wildly in the air, and she shook her shoulders with vibrant energy. Bouncing up and down, we serenaded the exits, singing at the top of our lungs. A pause in the passenger’s seat to roll down the window and gasp for air left Sarah performing a solo. Somehow, she managed to seamlessly move from “That’s What Makes You Beautiful” to “God Will Take Care of You” in a span of thirty seconds. Greatness on its way to see greatness.
“Geez, Louize!” Sarah nervously popped two enormous pieces of Wriggley’s cinnamon gum into her mouth and spoke to the GPS, engaging in a heart to heart that eventually, FINALLY convinced Louize into bringing us to BooMama’s headquarters.
It has been said that a good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving. If the author of that quote sped along through Northern Mississippi with a colorful map in one hand, box of rice crackers in the other, and a sister bubbling over with suspenseful excitement in the driver’s seat, and craning his neck to glimpse each and every vital sign and keeping an eye on the car clock, I think he would reconsider.
As we exited the bookstore on that day marked in highlighter and underlines, Sarah literally glowed with blogging pleasure.
Smiling, I asked,”Well, what did you think?”
Laughing, she said, “It was the best day of my blogging life.”
THAT is a good traveler.
Jun 20, 2013 | Friends & Fun, Uncategorized |
Monday was a busy day in these parts.
Christopher graduated Air Assault school in the morning and not to make this all about myself, but the 98 degrees plus 876% humidity at the graduation ceremony completely destroyed my hair for the rest of the day.
Immediately after the graduation Elizabeth and I headed out on a Top Secret Trip to an Unknown Place. Clarification: Elizabeth didn’t know our destination but I knew exactly where we were headed .
We stopped at Dunkin Donuts to stock up on beverages before hitting the road because OF COURSE. After paying for my purchase, I walked out the door and left my keys on the counter. It was like the walk of humiliation when I slunk back to pick them up. (Yet another reason to always use the drive-thru.)
I’m not fortunate enough to be gifted in the area of directions, but I choose to go with the old fashioned paper directions instead of the gps. It was a risky move, but with Elizabeth as co-navigator and my coffee by my side, we forged ahead. It was a slow forging though because it took us 45 minutes just to get out of our town. I was worried it was a sign of things to come, but we only got turned around twice which is MOST ASSUREDLY a record in my book. I think my method of questioning Elizabeth every three minutes about when we would turn next was key. Not that that got annoying after five hours.
Elizabeth didn’t show the slightest bit of interest in our destination and eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore so I made her guess. We were all the way in Mississippi before she learned we were going to a Boo Mama book signing. She turned to look at me said in shock, “She wrote a book?!”
I almost drove off the road.
It was like everything I’ve ever taught her about blogs was for naught.
I was very nervous that we’d arrive the signing late and stand outside the book store with tears running down our faces. At least my face. Elizabeth was still processing that BooMama even wrote a book. (“But I thought Big Mama wrote a book! I read Boo Mama’s blog religiously until I joined Instagram and now I’m so behind!!”) The directions took us to a mall and I asked a lady walking to her car if she knew where Reed’s bookstore was. She gave us very detailed directions that I did not in the least understand. Just smile and nod, smile and nod was my motto. We eventually found the right store about 45 minutes before the signing was scheduled to end and there Boo Mama was in all her glory.
I wish I could say we were really smooth about the whole introducing ourselves thing, but I cannot. Elizabeth specifically said I shouldn’t introduce both of us because Boo Mama might think she didn’t know how to talk, but I didn’t know what else to say so I was all, “I’m Sarah and this is my sister Elizabeth and we just drove 5 hours to see you and no, I’m not from the south but I loved your book anyway and I’ve listened to your podcasts and read your blog for years and what else can I say to make me sound like a stalker?” I’ve always been very smooth.
Boo Mama/Sophie (I never know what to call her) was just as SWEET as can be. So, so nice. She said I didn’t have a southern accent and I wanted to kiss her feet. That wouldn’t have been stalkerish at all. (People back home have said I’ve getting an accent and that’s a troubling thing to hear.)
I’m trying not to harbor any jealousy that Elizabeth’s book says “happy to meet you and much love” and mine does not. I’m sure the fact that my book was presigned is the only reason she didn’t sign mine, “Love, your BFF Sophie”.
Jun 12, 2013 | Friends & Fun, Uncategorized |
I have just returned from a trip to St. Louis. And by “just” I mean I got back on Sunday morning. My friend Kim of the Fancy Wedding Atop a Mountain had a bridal shower weekend and a participant of said fancy wedding, I went along for the festivities.
Kim, Ashley (another bridesmaid) and I stayed at her grandmother’s apartment. Grandma Betty lives in a very fancy retirement community which is just another way of saying we spent the weekend at a senior citizen hotel. It was a delightful time except for the fact that her mattress was from approximately WW2 and made the floor look as inviting as a Sleep Number bed.
On Friday Grandma took us to the fancy mall. It was so fancy they had a special name for Forever 21- Forever XXI. I can always tell when I’m at an unusually expensive mall when the GREAT CLEARANCE PRICE for a shirt is still in the three digits. Grandma Betty pointed out a pair of black and white shoes and said they matched the dress pants she just bought. Very impressed with her style, I said, “You bought zebra pants? That is so fashionable!” She sighed then replied, “Actually, they make me look more like a cow.”
Friday night we went to a fancy dinner at a country club. (Are you noticing a pattern here? There was A LOT OF FANCY going on.) Here I am with the bride to be.
On Saturday we went to the St. Louis Arch.
We initially planned to visit the zoo, but the powers that be (namely Kim’s mom) decided to take us to the arch instead because “there are animals in other places”. We ended up seeing an animal after all because we walked into the visitors center and were greeted by a bear. I thought it was a polar bear so I said, “Oh! Look at the polar bear!” in case anyone missed the giant animal in the center of the room. (I try to be helpful whenever I can.) I heard someone behind me snicker but didn’t know what they were snickering about until I investigated further and discovered that it wasn’t a polar bear. It was a (very light) brown bear. And the person was snickering because some tourist thought that polar bears roamed the streets of St. Louis.
The same tourist thought she was going to climb stairs to reach the top of the arch, but was informed that once again she was wrong. While climbing 1,076 stairs was an option, she rode up in a little spaceship-looking contraption.
The Mississippi River was flooded and from the very top of the arch we saw that an entire visitor center was under water.
Saturday night Kim’s aunt and uncle hosted another party/shower. It’s a pity they couldn’t find a more relaxing spot for the event.
Meet Ashley, former contestant on a reality show in which she tried to find her true love. Meet Sarah, aka Paley McPalester.
Kim registered for a set of salt and pepper shakers that cost $265 American dollars. As it wasn’t made of pure gold and studded with Swarovski diamonds, I gave her a picnic basket from TarJay Boutique instead. It seemed more practical and less like a break-the-budget gift.
Next month is the wedding. It’s a three day event so I except the fancy to be ABOUNDING AND OVERFLOWING.
May 7, 2013 | Friends & Fun, Uncategorized |
Christopher and I opened a daycare on Saturday. Naturally it’s not out of the ordinary for me to camp out in Babysitterville, but Christopher rarely joins me on my adventures. This time he came along to help out because
Jenn and
Aggie were having
some peace and quiet out in the freezing garage a yard sale and I was enlisted to control the little people. We had two 2 year olds and two 1 year olds so it was ALL HANDS ON DECK.
This is how Molly felt when she learned I was coming to babysit AGAIN. Everything is so dramatic with her.
I ran the ship alone for the first few hours. Aidan and Levi showed up after a few hours and it was all smiles and laughter until Molly informed Levi that the mothers had fled the scene.
“Why must they continually leave us? Don’t they love us? Don’t they want us attached to their hips/legs/arms 27/4? Let us bang upon the door until they return.”
The whole operation went surprisingly well, but I almost fell down the stairs when I told the boys I didn’t want them playing upstairs and Sammy said, “You’re bossy.” Sassy Pants.
Christopher said he’d never spoon fed a baby so it seemed only natural for him to be in charge of feeding the smallest child. Levi sticks to Christopher like a little tree frog whenever he sees him. It’s the cutest thing.
We got home a little after noon and I went to Zumba while Christopher took a three hour nap.
I guess it’s safe to say one of us isn’t accustomed to life in Diaperland.
Apr 4, 2013 | Friends & Fun, Holidays |
After extensive pondering, I recently made a conclusion about holidays: I never get around to blogging about a specific holiday until long after it’s gone. Just when people are wrapping up their Thanksgiving posts, I’m all “Oh hey! Let’s talk about what I did on the fourth of July!”
I like to think of it as my own unique branding of blogging.
Easter was the first holiday we hosted at our house, so we created a small menu in honor of the occasion:
antipasto
chicken soup
roast beef and potatoes
ham and more potatoes
green beans
bread
brownies with cool whip (!!) and sorbet
homemade chocolate and peanut butter eggs
But let’s be honest.
Last year it was just the two of us and we cooked almost as much food.
We had my father in law, our friends Daniel, Scherrie, Zach and Alex. I like to think I made the life of two single men better because Zach and Alex both left my house with enough food for three meals.
I still like decorating Easter eggs and every year I come up with a new and never before seen decorating method. My bowl of solid colored eggs is proof that, much to my sorrow and a great waste of pins on Pinterest, I ran out of time to do anything fancy.
Mom and Elizabeth had some decorating time on their hands. Elizabeth texted me this picture on Saturday night. It’s like they turned their marble coffee table into a bowl of eggs.
After dinner we played Apples to Apples. I won’t say who won, but her name starts with S and she has a tendency to blog about holidays long after they happen.
Sometime I like to pretend the cards describe the personality of whoever has them. In this particular case I chose not to do so. I have no desire to be aged, confused, insulting, manly, offensive, selfish, or shallow. But I have no problem accepting perfect.
