Oct 2, 2021 | The Humiliation Chronicles, What's going on |
The planning of Aaron’s wedding has been a slow uphill climb.
I was in a coffee shop working on the wedding and the two hipster pastors also there were talking about the upcoming wedding of one of them. I wasn’t eavesdropping! They were speaking loudly in a public space for all to hear. Not that I don’t eavesdrop, but in this particular situation I wasn’t. The already married one said they were engaged for nine months and his mother-in-law planned the wedding so ”it was a piece of cake.” The groom-to-be said they’ve been engaged for six months and it hasn’t been long enough. Meanwhile, I’m over here planning a wedding on a very small budget in five months. I planned my own wedding in four months so I know it can be done, but planning a wedding from 1,200 miles away in a venue I’ve never been in and won’t see until the week of the wedding is a horse of a different color.
The food situation is a real conundrum. The wedding is so close to Christmas and the venue is not a caterer’s dream so we’re having a hard time nailing someone down. I’m getting worried we won’t find someone in time. I might resort to calling Dunkin Donuts and ordering 200 munchkins. I am not Jesus performing the miracle of feeding 5,000 with five loaves of bread and two fish. I can’t scrounge up a caterer to feed 91 people with a bag of croutons and a can of tuna.
Planning a wedding involves too many phone calls and too much talking to strangers. I am very particular about who I will happily talk to on the phone and numerous caterers, rental companies, people at the venue & more don’t make the cut. No matter how many times I go over the agenda in my head before I call I always mess something up.
Speaking of messing up something in a conversation…
At work a few weeks ago a woman told me she’s colorblind and can’t tell between greens, blue and black. I made sure to be very clear about where I put those colors to avoid confusion. She also couldn’t see some parts of the stencil well so I helped with that as well. I tried to help without going overboard and babying, for lack of a better word. It was all going fine until the end. I told her she could put regular wax on her sign which would barely change the color of the paint, or she could use antique wax which would change the shades and make them look aged. What I should have done was leave it at that. What I did was follow up my statement about the antique wax changing the colors with, “It’s good for people who can actually see that kind of thing.” The second it came out of my mouth I was MORTIFIED.
I don’t know why I said it, it just came out. I didn’t mean to be rude. I wouldn’t say, ”Oh, you don’t have arms? Here, take a bat and go play baseball.” Her best friend was with her and she thought it was hysterical because evidently she’s always teasing her about mismatching and whatnot, but I am not a best friend who can say that kind of thing to a stranger. I’m supposed to be A Professional. A professional hider in a box who never shows my face at work again is what I’ll be.
Sep 24, 2021 | Life, What's going on |
We’re at Annabelle’s swimming lesson and I want to finish this before she finishes her lesson. I doubt I will since I barely have enough to make a full post. I’ve had the same conundrum for months and months now. I don’t like when I post twice a month, but I don’t have enough going on that is either A. worth sharing or B. can be shared on the internet. Do I yammer on about nothing (which I’ve done plenty of times) so I have something to post or wait until I have something good to talk about? Quality or quantity? That’s how we end up with a large amount of sub-par quality posts.
I have continued to go to the new gym once or twice a week since school started. For the first several weeks all I did was pilates because I didn’t trust myself to use any of the machines in the machine room. I don’t even know what it’s really called. Cardio room? Weight room? Cardio weight room? I still barely know how to use anything but my new motto is fake it til I make it. I’m sure anyone looking at me through the security camera can tell I’m faking it but I’m trying.
I’d like to file a formal complaint with the powers that be who named muscles. Why couldn’t you give them normal names? Couldn’t you have called them “front upper arm” or ”back of your knee” or “the one you pull when you try to move the couch by yourself because you don’t want to ask for help”? I took this picture when I was resting from a very strenuous arm exercise on a machine I can’t begin to guess the name of. I know three of these muscles and of those three I can identify where two of them are located. This isn’t a problem of me needing to be better at anatomy. It’s a you problem.
Narrator: She did not finish this during swimming lessons. Not even close. It is now eight days later.
A few nights ago when I was putting Annabelle to bed, she told me, “Mama, I think you’re the second or third smartest person in our family. I’m not sure if me or you is smarter.” She wasn’t one bit rude or cocky about it. She was genuinely trying to figure it out which of us is smarter. I’m no Thomas Edison, but I did teach her how to speak, use the toilet, and write her name which I believe gives me a few points in the smarter category. But to be fully transparent, I did have to google “smart people” because the only extra smart person I could think of was Albert Einstein and I didn’t want to compare myself to him. I have very little wiggle room for boosting.
Is it worse for my ego that I might be the third smartest or that she drew a picture of me looking like a balding Benjamin Franklin with no eyebrows or eyelashes? Hard to say.
Yesterday our day got off to a very late start. It was a homeschool morning which meant we were more flexible on time, but I still try to stick to a schedule. We had a doctor’s appointment at 10 and would be out all morning and I needed to get the roast in the crockpot before we left. Sesame was doing her thing (spilling as much cereal on the counter as she got in the bowl) while I simultaneously ate my oatmeal, seared the roast in the dutch oven, and put on mascara. We scrambled around for schoolbooks to bring with us, locate socks, brush hair and tell Linus that he was not dying so he didn’t need to meow like he was. We rolled into the office with two minutes to spare. We were an entire week early. Annabelle thought it was hilarious. I had a feeling it was the wrong day, but I live with the feeling that I’m constantly wrong about something so I rolled with it anyway. AB asked why I didn’t call and make sure it was the right day so maybe she is the second smartest in the family after all.
Jun 10, 2021 | In a People House, What's going on |
My normally greenish thumb has turned black in the state of Georgia. I’ve planted a garden each year since we lived here and have gotten less than five red tomatoes. The cucumbers didn’t grow. The green beans gave up when they reached three inches. The blueberry bushes didn’t even try. This year I’ve lowered my expectations/garden dreams then lowered them a little more. I planted three tomato plants, a pepper plant, basil, and a small number of flowers. The tomatoes look like they might make it but I say that in a whisper so they don’t hear and shrivel up. The dahlia patch I planted out front is somehow thriving. Every single day I go out to admire and photograph them.
* Sesame’s teeth are dropping out like flies. The tooth fairy forgot to come on Friday night but Ses told me, “The tooth fairy takes weekends off” which is good to know. When AB’s friend lost her second tooth, her tooth fairy (her grandfather) gave her twenty dollars. Annabelle still doesn’t have a great grasp on money and she happily told her friend that the tooth fairy had given her thirty cents. I’m sure the fairy gave at least two quarters. Surely she wasn’t scrambling for money at the last minute.
* I almost don’t know what makes me happier- AB reading to herself or that we can finally be in the library without a mask.
* Our favorite Willie got married a few weeks ago. We’ve known him since he was born and he’s like a fourth brother to us. He was one of the groomsmen in our wedding. The original groomsman wasn’t able to get leave so we asked Willie. He doesn’t know he was a second-pick groomsman and I will go to my grave with that secret. The stupid ‘rona meant we couldn’t go to Willie’s wedding. I would have traveled to deepest Peru for his wedding. Instead, we had to watch it from our living room. The dude operating the livestream never pushed the unmute button so we heard nothing. A man’s head filled up a third of the screen for much of the ceremony. I do not recommend zoom weddings. Too many technical issues and not enough appetizers.
* Last but most certainly in one way least, BABY OLIVER IS HERE. HE IS SO CUTE I CANNOT HANDLE IT. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CUTER BABY NO YOU HAVE NOT. The fuzzy hair! The arm rolls! The little dimple in his chin! The look of longing for his favorite Auntie Sarah to cuddle him. Erika will never get him away from me. She doesn’t love newborns and I adore them so it works out well. I look at this picture seven times a day and have sent it to multiple people. I’ve all but ordered wallpaper with his face on it. I repeatedly offer to show it to Christopher and Annabelle in case they forgot how precious he is since the last time I made them look. 
Apr 12, 2021 | What's going on |
* A family from church lives down the street from us. They have two children who age-wise are on either side of AB and they all get along well. AB and their daughter like to play in the mud and ”make potions” together which works well for me as I don’t like playing in the mud. Their dad is a Jack of all trades. He knows about agriculture. He knows about which Mexican restaurant in town has a salsa bar. He can build anything. He seems to have every tool known to man and if he doesn’t have it he knows someone who does. He’s become a catchphrase in our house. Anytime we need a powerwasher/saw/truck/trailer/advice on how to change the heating element in the dryer I say, “You know who has that. Matt.” He has it all. They’re in the middle of building a garage which we’re keeping tabs on when we drive by. I dropped off his daughter after a playdate and since I had nothing else to discuss with him, I complimented his garage progress and asked how he got a particular part of the roof up. Did the men he hired for the foundation do it? Did they use a crane? Does he have one of those hanging around too? He said he and his wife did it. He described a whole process of them carrying it into the building upside down then flipping it up. He knows I know nothing about this topic and he was smiling the whole time so I couldn’t make heads or tails of whether or not he was telling the truth. He could have told me he had cows hoist it up and I might have believed him. I haven’t talked to him since so I still haven’t figured out if he was fooling with me or not.
* “This practice is going toooooo slooooooowly, Mom.” Two minutes later. “Whoa, Mama! I hit a HOME RUN!” The ball barely got past the pitchers mound but I appreciate the optimism.
* Last week was spring break. I had high hopes of play dates with friends we don’t see often and fun activities during the day. We had one playdate. Annabelle’s allergies were horrible. I didn’t feel well. Lucy Cat gave us a run for our money all week. She was throwing up and not eating or drinking for days on end. She had accidents all over my white comforter, may it rest in peace. She dragged her little body around the house and lay lethargically in the corner. At one point, when I checked on her she had her chin on the side of the water bowl with half her face in the water. Things got very desperate. The vet said she was constipated which I didn’t know happens to cats. I seldom think about the bathroom habits of others in my house since everyone is potty or litter box trained. He gave us an appetite stimulant to give and asked if I could give it to her by putting it in her water bowl. No, I cannot. She hadn’t drunk for three days which was why I had contacted him. I had to squirt the medicine in her mouth which neither of us liked. I wrapped her in towels and made her little beds. I sat next to her and tried convincing her to drink. I offered her a dish of tuna fish while she lay on the floor of the craft room which I would never do for a human in my house. I even wiped her rear end and paws because she was too tired to clean herself. We’ve always been firmly in the “animals are animals” camp and decided long ago that we won’t pay hundreds or thousands for our pets. We love them but we have people medical bills to pay. Suddenly Lucy was so sick and pitiful and I really thought she was going to die. The cats have brought a lot of joy to our lives and I hate to see them suffer so we made another vet appointment. If nothing else, we need Linus and his constant whining all week to stop. It has been out of control. He’s never been away from her and it shows by how loudly he meows at all hours of the day. All that blabbing on to say we were at the vet four times this week and our bank account is smaller.
The constipation lead to severe dehydration and as we speak, she’s on day 3 of IV’s at the Vet Hotel and Med Spa. On Saturday, the vet told us they were hand-feeding her. She’s going to return home spoiled and expecting to be fed off a golden spoon while she lounges in a Chanel cat bed.
I am bad at dealing with regular doctors so you can imagine how awkward I was when dealing with an animal doctor. The first time I called, the receptionist asked what my baby’s name was and I started to say Annabelle. I said, “Annablucy.”They continued to call her my baby with every interaction. Again, I love her but she’s my cat. Say cat, pet or use her full name of Lucille Barbara. I also dislike when people who aren’t my child call me ‘mom.’ The Tball coach does it sometimes. “Mom, can you go pick up the bats?” Come back next week when I unpack this pet peeve a little further! The ladies in the waiting room could not have had a more different parenting philosophy when it comes to throwing money at the vet. They’d give the shirts off their backs for their pet family. The lady who owned Mr. Kibbles, a huge cat the size of a cockerspaniel who had just been groomed, had a conversation with the lady in the jean skirt about how much Mr. Kibbles enjoys water play. The other lady with Gracie the cat had a lot to say about long hair vs short hair vs Persian cats. The family on the dog side of the office was waiting to pick up their three dogs to bring home to their other three dogs. One lady was picking up her four puppies but she needed the girls to be separated from the boys because they don’t get along. Another lady was picking up Mona Whittacker’s anxiety and depression pills. I’m sure they all have a collection of golden spoons their pets eat off.
* I made returns at two different stores last week and both times the cashier put gloves on before taking the clothes from me. Why is that necessary? Just because the clothes were at my house doesn’t mean they’re suddenly more likely to be covered in covid than a shirt that I took right off the rack that was touched by dozens of people. The kids can play tball together and stand on the same base but not high five at the end of the game. Common sense has left the building.
* Annabelle knows some of the things I’m self-conscious about and she really tries to make me feel better them. She knows my gray hair feels like a lighthouse flashing over my head so she’ll tell me they’re ‘glitter hairs” or “rainbow hair because white is the mixing of all colors so really you have a lot of rainbows on your head.” Last night she told me, “If you’re embarrassed about your chins, you’ll just have to move to a different city and change your name to Sue!” She has a future career as a motivational speaker.
* We were driving home from school when Annabelle saw a sign that said “CBD sold here” and asked what CBD is. I was not planning on having that conversation for 10 more years. I gave an unnecessarily long but age-appropriate speech about prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, drug drugs (just say no!) and threw is a reminder about not smoking (just say no again!). I will not be taking follow-up questions at this time!! Let’s listen to music! I told Christopher about it later and he said, “All you needed to say was CBD is sometimes an ingredient in lotion.” Good point. I’ve been overexplaining since 1989 and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon.
Mar 9, 2021 | What's going on |
For several years I’ve wished AB’s doctor and my therapist were our neighbors. Just think how convenient it would be to see the pediatrician getting into his car and be able to run out and yell him a question from our driveway. He would love it! My therapist would be thrilled when I show up at her door on a random Wednesday afternoon because I’m having a small to catastrophic crisis. It would add so much to their lives if I was constantly reminding them why they went into the medical field. Sure, it would only last a short time until they both put their houses on the market and didn’t tell me where they moved, but until then it would be great. They’d probably make sure their new addresses weren’t on Whitepages so I couldn’t track them down.
Rabbit trail- I love phone books and Whitepages.com. I am constantly looking people up on whitepages then seeing what their houses look like. Christopher is very uncomfortable reading this right now. He thinks it’s weird and I don’t want “stalking” as a skeleton in my closet. It’s not stalking. It’s being well informed. I haven’t subscribed to their premium service so this is a free hobby and he needs to relax. One time they asked me to fill out a survey about why I was using their site. For some reason, they don’t list “self appointed president of the neighborhood watch” as an option.
ANYWAY.
We met another family at our small neighborhood playground a few months. We got to talking and discovered that they live four houses down from us in the house with the gorgeous blue door. I have often said I was going to ring their doorbell and ask the name of the paint color because we need to repaint our front door and whitepages doesn’t give me that kind of information. Suddenly we were becoming friends and exchanging phone numbers with the owners. The Lord continues to shine upon us. The mom, also named Sarah, and I have taken the kids to the other playground several times since we met. She’s nice, funny and lets me snuggle her baby which are all qualities I look for in a friendship. Best of all, she’s a pediatrician so all my dreams of having a doctor neighbor have come true! All the knowledge of a doctor without any of the copays! I texted her today because AB has a stomach bug and I needed advice. Honestly, I’m proud of myself for waiting a few months into our friendship before taking advantage of her knowledge.
Scott the exterminator came by today and offered his opinion on the stomach bug. “She needs to be eating a BRATS diet and drinking Powerade. Don’t let her lay down. She has to move around and get everything going.” This was said after he looked at her laying down on the couch, covered head to toe by a quilt and a trash can next to her on the floor. If Doctor Neighbor doesn’t work out, Scott the Exterminator will be my next call.
Scott is a very interesting character. He always sits down at my kitchen table to discuss politics, his past careers (“I told you I was in the cable business for 30 years”), conspiracy theories (“You can’t believe what the government tells you. You have to read the books they don’t want you to read before they’re banned”) and writes down book recommendations for me. Today he told me where I can go for a jazz festival with beer (no whiskey), fried fish and music. His exact words were, “You take the first exit into Tallahassee then a left at the light near Target. You go down that road until you see the old farm on the left then turn and drive down the dirt road until the woods clear and you see the building. It’s really great. I bought some headlamps because last night when I was at my girlfriend’s house I got drunk. No. I mean…I had a few beers. Her yard got destroyed in the tornado so it’s a mess and I tripped in a hole so I bought the headlamp so it won’t happen again. Last night we made a big fire, like, this high. I didn’t want to trip into that.” I would think not. I would also think the light wouldn’t be necessary when he’s walking towards a giant fire but what do I know?
Footage of me listening to him talk.
Annabelle lost a tooth last week. I could not have been more tranquil and unemotional about this completely normal childhood development. NOT. First off, I had to pull the tooth which GROSS. I hate loose teeth. I hate seeing them wiggle. I hate pulling them out. I have stress dreams where dozens of loose teeth are falling out of my mouth. She’s lost three other teeth but this was the first tooth that left a gap and I was undone. Christopher kept mouthing to me over her head that I needed to stay calm and not get emotional. How could I not get emotional?! She was born yesterday, losing teeth today, and graduating college tomorrow. The tooth fairy forgot to leave AB money, something she didn’t realize until the owner of the tooth told her. She had to dig around in her wallet for two quarters and put it under the pillow when she “run upstairs for a sweatshirt’’ before we left for school. Sesame has 20 more teeth to lose so I the tooth fairy really needs to get her act together. Maybe Scott the exterminator has some tooth fairy tips he can pass along.
(This picture was taken the day after she lost the tooth. It was backwards day at school but it could have been any day ending in Y. Wearing her clothes backwards is par for the course with her.)
Feb 3, 2021 | What's going on |
I had yet another internal ultrasound yesterday because it’s what I do on days ending in Y. I’ve seen the inside of my uterus more times in the last year than I saw some family members. I considered asking for a printed photo to include in my Christmas card this year. “Here’s Annabelle learning to rollerblade. Here are Linus and Lucy being lazy bums. Here’s Sarah’s uterus. If you look closely, you might see an ovary.” Everyone would hang it on their refrigerator. I also had 12 tubes of blood drawn for the fertility doctor. I thought for sure I’d need a blood transfusion by the time she was done.
We’ve made it the entire week so far without going to Annabelle’s doctor. Sure, it’s only Tuesday but last week we were there twice in 72 hours because evidently we love copays. She was diagnosed with swollen glands again. We cannot get a handle on those glands of hers. I asked the doctor to show me how to check the glands myself and he did, but I can’t tell a thing. Isn’t the ability to check glands and throats for infection something they should hand out at the hospital when the baby is born? They sent us out with a blanket and mesh underwear but I would have appreciated an honorary medical degree as well.
AB has many talents but she’s struggling with spelling and phonics. It’s an uphill battle. This has not stopped her from writing out sheets and sheets of notes and letters. She wrote this essay last week.
We must worship God every day. Every fifth day we must prepare a pot of water and dance on it.
Her religious practices are questionable but her heart is in the right place.
